newcritics

Hi New Critics crowd. Some of you may know me, many of you probably not. But Tom Watson apparently does, and he has graciously invited me to ramble and shout at this esteemed site. Thanks, Tom. And hello again, everyone.

Like you, I enjoy all manner of creative expression. By way of introduction, allow me to recommend a few films I’ve recently watched, via Netflix. As you can tell, I’m a bit of a cinemaphile, though not the stuffy, art house type. Gimme a solid plot, a few catchy tunes, running gags, horrific, inexplicable violence, transparent political metaphors, and I’m good.

Deterrence Leakers (1961) — Unemployed pool cleaner Jake Longhorn (Kyle Sweet) hits the road in search of non-chlorinated kicks, when he comes across mute Hopi puppeteers in the Arizona desert. Through pantomime and peyote, Longhorn develops strange mental powers, can carve canyons with a nod, and is soon transformed into the Cactus King as the National Guard is put on high alert. With Sidney Feldman and Luce Frantz.

Mako Dines At Four (1953) — Crank scientist Dr. Leroy von Smortzberg (Ed Mellon) plots revenge upon his former colleagues at the Jedidiah Institute, who rejected his radical theories about pine sniffing and sent him into exile. Von Smortzberg’s plan is stymied when a wayward zeppelin crashes into the Institute, releasing millions of atomic mites from their glowing terrariums, changing the demographics of the area and wreaking havoc that only the crank scientist can quell. With Sandi Kellems, Pete Kase, and Zandar Qomm.

Felonious Is One Way Of Putting It (1969) — Go-go dancers Patty Noone (Nell Sinder) and Jace Feller (Ida Hansel) discover a pair of oversized gila monster masks, and are mysteriously transformed into Mormon missionaries who can predict hail storms and tidal waves with unerring accuracy. Local ostrich farmers become concerned with the dancers’ growing influence, and unite with a gang of disheveled Civil War buffs to stave off certain assimilation. With Carlo Muste, Tim Pradd, and Mallomar.

Count To Ten In German (1975) — Bumbling teen violin prodigy Luke Canner (Jetsen Trille) befriends a stuttering black hooker, Jasmine Touch (Norah Foreman), and the pair bond over a two-week arson spree that leaves LA’s top chefs homeless and without proper cooking utensils. Krishna booksellers take advantage of this opening, and before long most of Los Angeles is awash in pleather seat covers and coconut air fresheners. Luke and Jasmine consult a dead rabbi for help, but are lulled into a trance by vegan hypno-terrorists, and are sent on a suicide mission armed only with pear juice-filled balloons. With Koko Waxman, Zed Planer, and Chazz Gillespie.

IN THE QUEUE: Cassie The Coughing Condor (1972); Memo To Mummyphobes (1990); Will You Please Put Down That Hammer? (1968); Crankcase Elves (1986); The Wind Owes Me Fifty Bucks (1979); Return Of The Cheddar Cars (1993).