newcritics

I had my Oscar acceptance speech all ready. It was gonna be a beaut…funny, touching …something that would appeal to both the heads and hearts of my adoring public. Then I read the review in the Boston Globe, which called The Kiss the worst film of the 2003 Boston Film Festival. The critic in Beantown’s Phoenix was more to the point (and I quote): “an insipid crock of shit.” I wondered how we were going to excerpt THAT one on the movie poster should the film ever be picked up for general release…”INSIPID” – The Boston Phoenix…that wasn’t going to fly. “Crock” and “Shit” posed similar challenges.

I figured we’d end up with: “OF” – The Boston Phoenix.

Yes, I am the co-screenwriter of 2003’s The Kiss – you can look it up for yourself on IMDB or Amazon, where, as of this writing, it is the 55,384th best selling DVD they’re offering. You might even be able to find a copy in your local Blockbuster’s. My kids excitedly noticed a copy tucked into a corner of our local store here in Pleasantville (yes, I really live in a town called Pleasantville), and I had to quickly shush them lest I be outed. In Pleasantville, one must keep up appearances, you know?

That discovery led to several sleepless nights: what set of decisions had led the store to purchase that sole copy for rental? Had anyone, in fact, ever rented it? And what had they thought of it? My one experience with an audience – at the film’s premiere at the Boston Film Festival – was mystifying: a quarter-filled theater, in which my unpredictable friend Michael stood up before the film’s start and introduced a mortified me (I had already seen a copy of the move, and knew what was coming) to the befuddled onlookers. There were some overall kind words from these folks when the lights came on…one scary woman whispered to me that the movie it had changed her life…and then I was surrounded by a gang of kids in their late teens who asked for my autograph (my friends will verify that), telling me they had traveled five hours to see the film. “Why?” I asked incredulously. “Eliza!” they exclaimed in unison, showing me scrapbooks leaking Buffy The Vampire clippings.

It had all started so promisingly.I wrote the screenplay in the early 90’s with high school friend (now novelist and filmmaker) Gorman Bechard. It kicked around Hollywood for years, my theory being that it was just not quite bad enough to reject out of hand. After numerous false starts, it was finally picked up by an independent producer who committed to making it as a star vehicle for his actress wife. Titanic’s Billy Zane, Buffy’s Eliza Dushku, the Limey’s Terence Stamp, and indie-staple Illeana Douglas were soon attached. Against all odds, the thing looked like it was going to get made.

And it did: two days of location shooting in Paris…four more weeks at a soundstage in Culver City, where I caught up with the production…real sets…real crew…real craft services. But when I saw the dailies, the sad truth set in: it was real bad.

Against all hope, I prayed that, when edited and scored, the final product would be great. I’d read about how Annie Hall was a mess until they got it into the editing room…and if it had worked for Woody, why not me?

Alas it was not to be.

So what are the takeaways?

(1) Being a nobody can have its benefits: Gorman and I were paid up-front for the screenplay because we did not have the power to command gross points.

(2) Writers cannot protect their scripts from actors, directors, and producers who are all intent on making the movie their own.

(3) The catering at the soundstage was good, but not as lavish as on the set of the X-Files (according to the stand-in for the lead actress who had performed the similar function for Gillian Anderson).

(4) I wish I were a better screenwriter.

(5) It – the whole process, from the writing of the script to the writing of this post – has been some of the greatest fun I’ve had in my entire life.

Editor’s note: Steve’s film - and those of us who know him always call it “Steve’s film” - has also received more positive reviews, mostly from real people. One film-viewer on Amazon calls it “an absolutely lovely meditation on love, and what love actually means.” Another clearly had the writers in mind: “The storyline was great. Looking for the last chapter of a love story that was written years earlier had fantastic potential. I always enjoys a good romantic movie and this designed to be one.” So there. Who needs real critics at newcritics, anyway!